Heart and Soul...We Are Doing This

In my heart I am crying, in my soul I am more excited than I have ever been.  I am crying for the mere reason that I am done raising children.  Don’t get me wrong, they are and always will be my babies that I will always be there for, but all 3 of them are now adults. So for that my heart feels a little empty.  But, my soul...  my soul has a soul mate.  And this soul mate (AKA Eric) and I are onto the next chapter, phase, adventure, whatever you want to call it.   And this makes my soul overjoyed.  I started this journey yesterday, September 5th.   I got into the car with Gracie and filled it with just things...things that make me happy. Along with some clothes, I filled it with my favorite quote, my moms needlepoint of a rabbi reading to his son, 1 box of old favorite pictures, my large wood letter “B”, and a music box...

With that I took off for Omaha with Gracie in full view in the back seat.  As empty as my heart felt driving away, it also filled with the excitement of what’s ahead of us.  

September 6th...today we to get in the car towards our next stop.  The Denver airport where Eric and I will begin the adventure.  Our conversation this morning was 

“What should we do tomorrow?" 

"I don't know.  Maybe stop in Vail and see what there is to do, (dog friendly obviously”).  

This is going to be the first of many of these Conversations.  Don’t get me wrong, we didn’t turn into vagabonds in a Lexus with a Golden Retriever, we are just taking our time to get to our newest home.  It is waiting for us in Las Vegas just a mile from the Red Rock canyon.

September 7th ☀️.  We just spent a great night in Grand Junction with Erics life long friend Mike. What an amazing break...with too much wine and whiskey, a beautiful night sitting outside with a great view and so much to talk about.  We are more recently finding that this is the time in our lives that we will have the opportunity to reconnect, not only with each other but with old friends.   And for that we are thankful.

 September 8th... 

Then...reality sets in...we have so much to do and a dog that has no idea what the hell is going on.  We have to walk to go potty, there is no grass outside the door, and every time we leave, a harness and leash is put on.  And poop has to be picked up immediately!  She has decided she would show us..."I'll just poop in the house, that will piss them off and they will take me back home to my grass."  Nice try Gracie, we are staying here, and you will learn to like it!  After 2 weeks, she has made new friends, walked so much she is losing some much needed weight, and joining us for dinner!  Everywhere we go is pet friendly!  She is settling in :)I, on the other hand am taking my sweet time to settle in.  Last night was the first night in 2 weeks that I was left alone.  Eric hadn't been called to fly since we got her (and what a godsend).  You see, we were welcomed to Vegas by 2 break ins into our garage.  Needless to say another lock was installed the next day and gate codes were changed.  This is a long way from living with unlocked doors, open doors, and no worries...again the new normal.  Don't get me wrong, it's all good, just different.  

Our kids...the ones I was worried about leaving...are thriving on us being gone.  They hang out, we all talk and text, and they have all done just fine without mom and dad being around 24/7.  They are there for each other more than I could have possible had hoped.  I am so proud of each of them and am so extremely fortunate to call them ours.  One of my biggest struggles?...leaving Sadie, after just moving her into her dorm.  She has proven to us that college life is for her...and she is doing well above our expectations for being a college freshman. 

Lucy and Ellie have been my next biggest struggle, not being with them every day.  faceTime has become another new normal in my day for talking, reading, books, and just getting some "Nana/Pops" time in with our girls...Its the highlight of many of our days.  

7 weeks have now gone by.  I have been home once, we have had visitors, and we have met many new friends. Gracie has had one surgery (on her paw) that has changed her outlook on life here.  She is starting to see that this is home for the winter!  Eric has loved his 20 minute commute and I have embraced volunteer life at the hospital (NICU...this will bring on an entire new blog).

   I think daily about the ones in our lives who support us without looking at us like we are crazy.  This move wasn't a 'have to' for once, but a 'want to'.  I need to truly thank everyone who has supported my ups and downs through this decision.  Especially Eric...he has done whatever it takes to make our move here a positive experience.  We are making many of our late night talks about what was "next" become a reality.  

We are doing this confidently.

We are doing this joyfully.

We are doing this together.

We are doing this. 

Heart and Soul

How to travel with your best friend...and not kill them

"Don't live with your best friend in college" They Say... 

"you'll end up enemies" They say...

Well, at 52 years old I just got back from Vegas with my college roommate (and best friend since birth...)

"You never know until you try" I say...

We hadn't traveled together, just the 2 of us, in many many years...I don't even know if we ever traveled alone together.  Found out this, we travel well together and here's why:

~She trusts me even when I don't know what I am doing~

We drove to places unknown to me, and found the best breakfast on the top of a mountain because of it 

~I slow down and do not move at my million miles per hour pace~

I find that she is so in control of her surroundings when I am dropping things left and right because I move to fast.

~We can sit and watch the most ridiculous thing for an hour and not say a word~

We watched a napkin that someone dropped as employees walked over it a million times

~She can tell me I have a huge appetite and I can tell her she walks too slow~

And neither of us takes offense

~We can look at each other at 8:15 p.m. and know we are both exhausted~

then have no problem saying so and going to bed to watch our own shows

~She can look for somewhere for me to get my glass of wine~

And she doesn't drink~I can search out her favorite slot machine~

And I don't gamble

~We can share every meal we get~

We have the same palate, I just have the bigger appetite apparently :)

~We can walk out of somewhere and the same thing will grab our attention~

Rocks 

~She can be the outgoing one and I can be the quiet one~

That's just how we have always been

~We can go to the pool everyday,  and never say it's enough~

Then hunt down an aloe plant at Home Depot

~She will come with me to do something I really wanted to do~

And I will leave early because she doesn't want to deal with the crowd at the end

~I can suggest a cool place to take a picture~

She will say hell no, but I'll do it anyway

~She can get hugs from store owners at the airport and I can sit on a chair across the terminal and laugh~

Again, she's the outgoing one

~We can laugh at nothing~

That's the best feeling in the world

~We can talk about our past, present, and futures~

And know exactly where we were, are, and will be

~We have a hard time making decisions~

Because neither of us really care

"I don't care, what do you feel like doing?"
"I'm good with whatever!"

And lastly, we got into one little disagreement...

We were the last ones on the plane, and when I say last ones, I mean the plane was waiting for us to get on to close the door because we were flying standby...

We had no idea if we would be able to get on the flight, and if we didn't I had no earthly idea how we were going to get home (because this is how a pilots wife rolls)

When we landed she said

"You know my dad got us on that flight!" and I said "No, it was my mom"

We decided it was a group effort ❤👼

 And that my friends is how to travel with your best friend

It was all 

LIVE.LAUGH.LOVE

My Journal Of Mom

A july night in 1999, I came home from a Hootie and The Blowfish concert

and I had my first real breakdown since my mom had died.
 I had been sad, mad, quiet...
but this was a real breakdown that I will never forget.

What did I do to get through it? I sat in my office and wrote...

wrote a detailed recap of the last 8 weeks of my moms life.  

Not my best writing, because it was written through many tears,

but to look back at it on bad day,

(yes, still having bad days 20 years later...)

It puts things into perspective to see what

a strong individual my mom was <3

I never I imagined this would be something

that I would or could share, but it is safe in my blog...

My Journal of Mom
July 1999


So it all started at the end of February.

I got a call from dad. He was in his car on the way to the hospital.

Mom had a Dr. appt and they sent her right to St. Lucs Hospital. She had an irregular heartbeat.

We were not sure as to what they would do. I felt that I should go home but I waited a few days.

By this time Eric was out of town.The kids went to Cindy's and I went home.

I was there for almost a week. During this time her cardiologists were trying

to decide whether to do an ablation to her

heart or put in a pacemaker.

She went in for surgery but came out with nothing.

The wrong side of her heart had the damage and they could not do anything at the time.

When mom woke up she was so weak. She was weak even before she went in.

But for some reason when she woke up she was different.

She was a lot like she was before she ever got sick when she was 45.

She not only acted as independent as she used to but she sounded like she used to.

It was almost as if being put under brought her old self back to us.

I could not get enough of talking to her. I would go to the hospital as early

as possible just to be with her. I would read to her , watch t.v. with her,

feed her, and just sit and talk to her.

I did not want to leave but the doctors did not know what the next step was.

I went home (back to Charleston). She ended up having the pacemaker

put in and we thought everything was O.K. After one more week

(Which made 3 weeks in all) she got to go home.

I felt so much better knowing she was home. But when I talked to her she

seemed so weak and frustrated. Her strength was not coming back

and she had this horrible rash. The Drs. Once again had no answers

as to what the rash was from so they put her on steroids.
This is when the 2nd call came. I will never forget it.

I was sitting at my desk when the phone rang. It was Dad calling from

the emergency room at St. Mary's Ozakee.

He was crying saying that I needed to come home on the next flight.

Mom was unable to breathe and they were working on her.

He did not know if she would make it. All I could do was scream and cry.

No one was home so I called Eric at work and he came right home.

I called the travel agent and they got me on the next flight.

What a horrible feeling not knowing whether or not my mom

would still be alive by the time I got there.

When I got there, Lisa was there to pick me up.

We went to mom and Dads for a few minutes but I needed to go to the hospital to see mom.

By this time it was around 11:00 p.m. mom was intibated so she could not talk

but she was awake. The first thing that she did when she saw me was

mouth the words "Help Me"

I could not help but to cry but not let her see me.

I stood and talked to her for a while trying to convince her that things would be O.K.

 By the next morning the nurses had sedated her to the point of unconsciousness.

They said she needed to be this way.

They had figured out that she was diabetic. She also had so many other

problems that all the drugs she was getting had to be adjusted every hour.

It was a constant watch of numbers on a monitor

to see how she was doing at that particular minute. There was no change after about a week so I went back home for a week.

Then dad called and said that things were not going good.

That she was so sick and had so many problems. Her open valve had opened up more.

They also wanted to take out the breathing tube so they had to wake her up.

She did not wake up. This is when I decided to go home again.

When I called from Charlotte during my layover I was told that she had

opened her eyes and was waking up.

This helped me get home with a much more positive out look.

When I got there she was up but was not yet ready to have

the feeding tube taken out. But just seeing her eyes open

and to have her squeeze our hands was enough.

She would try to mouth words to us which was frustrating

because we could not understand what she was saying.

But it was enough to just be there with her.

Then they finally took the tube out but she had no voice.

Things were status quo for then so I went back home.
A few days after I got back I asked Dad to call me from

her room so that I could talk to her.

I did not think She would talk to me but I just wanted to talk to her.

I was taken by surprise when I said hi that she talked back.

I could hear her clear as day.

We had a great conversation.

The last one if I remember right.

The most important thing she said to me was " I love you and that's that"

Dad took the phone back and asked me what I was saying

because he did not hear mom talking. I could not understand

how he did not hear her because I had such a normal conversation with her.

It is something that I will never understand but I think it was meant to be that way.

The next call I got was after she was moved from CICU to the 3rd floor.

Again they did not know how much longer she would hold on.

I went back home and sat with her some more.

Again, we watched t. v. and I just sat and watched her

and talked to her and held her hand.   

She was struggling to hold on to every last minute.

She was not going to give up without a fight.

I went back home only to come back a few days later, to say goodbye.

She just laid there, struggling with every breath she took.

This is the day the DR came in and told us she was having periods of apnea.

Only the feeding tubes and meds were keeping her alive.

She was not going to get any better, ever.

We were just prolonging the inevitable. At the last minute the

idea of a heart transplant was brought up. Only hours before my plane was to leave.
After serious consideration,

by the whole family, did we decide against it.

She would have to be transferred to another hospital only

to be accepted as a candidate. She had so many other problems.

She may not have even made it through the transfer.

I went back home as planned on Thursday with no decisions being made.

By Saturday Dad had decided to stop all feedings and meds. This was done on Sunday.

I asked Lisa to call me from her room and put the phone to her ear.

I told her how much I loved her.

I told her that she had fought hard enough that it was time to just close her eyes and go to sleep.

I told her that I wished that I could be half the mom to my kids that she was to me.

I told her how much I admired her and looked up to her.

I told her that it was time and that everyone would be O.K.

and that we would take care of each other.

I told her again how much I loved her.

Lisa took the phone as everyone was by her side.

And not but 40 minutes later did my phone ring, Mom has passed away.